I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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