you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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