We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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