Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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