a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
