and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize