I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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