Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
