woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So here I am, sexting at work.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
