oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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