Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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