I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
