My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
