you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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