If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
