4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
