Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.