Texts From Last Night

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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music

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  (202): Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music http://tfl.nu/ve57
  Replies (3) Good night (807) Bad night (864)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.

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  (734): I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore. http://tfl.nu/34d1
  Replies (12) Good night (3827) Bad night (666)
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  (806): View more from Texas

  So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.

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  (806): So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs. http://tfl.nu/g178
  Replies (36) Good night (4090) Bad night (612)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead

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  (407): She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead http://tfl.nu/h0ei
  Replies (12) Good night (4570) Bad night (1351)
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  (707): View more from California

  You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.

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  (707): You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond. http://tfl.nu/h38e
  Replies (6) Good night (3395) Bad night (916)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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  (847): You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head http://tfl.nu/hdz6
  Replies (23) Good night (7885) Bad night (1274)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.

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  (404): We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning. http://tfl.nu/65kx
  Replies (4) Good night (3238) Bad night (820)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer

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  (519): we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer http://tfl.nu/j198
  Replies (13) Good night (2484) Bad night (784)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.

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  (402): I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign. http://tfl.nu/14vr
  Replies (1) Good night (1824) Bad night (760)
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.

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  (615): You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it. http://tfl.nu/hvow
  Replies (4) Good night (1693) Bad night (563)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are

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  (773): Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are http://tfl.nu/he1z
  Replies (6) Good night (893) Bad night (806)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  did she buy you pizza?

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  (610): the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around. (215): did she buy you pizza? http://tfl.nu/k5jd
  Replies (9) Good night (2281) Bad night (665)
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me

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  (336): Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me http://tfl.nu/v2u1
  Replies (10) Good night (949) Bad night (401)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.

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  (540): His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me. http://tfl.nu/adz0
  Replies (5) Good night (485) Bad night (624)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE

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  (203): I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE http://tfl.nu/wb1j
  Replies (3) Good night (407) Bad night (216)

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