i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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