At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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