Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
