life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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