Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
