I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
