your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
