i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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