last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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