Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
