Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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