Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
