I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
