If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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