I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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