I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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