she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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