Me. At least after what I've been through.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
