Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
