I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
