he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
