I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
