all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
