Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
