im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
