I wish I only lived at night.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
