How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
