i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
