Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
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When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
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Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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