I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
