I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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