i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
