I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
