how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
