I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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