I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
