before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
