i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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