Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
