guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
