I hate your face
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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