why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
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We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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