pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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