Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
