Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
